Pint-Sized Princess

Published in Sister Magazine ‘SWAG’ issue, S/S 2016

Cute, adorable, sweet, dinky. Even if you have a personal charm that lies on a par with Rasputin and Aileen Wuornos’s lovechild, if you are a young woman under 5″3 it’s likely you’ve been called these things at some point in your adult life.

Dudes wanna compare hand sizes with you and make barely concealed insinuations about the size of other appendages, if you know what they mean (you do. You do know what they mean). If you also dress like a hungover Wayne’s World extra and cba with things like spike heels and nude eye shadow, it’s likely that you still sometimes get ID’ed in cocktail bars, and are used to being at roughly nipple height to your more Amazonian friends.

BUT, my fellow Smurfettes, as you well know this does not mean that short girls are lacking in the swag department. Lil Kim, Dolly Parton, and Dana Scully, Barbara Windsor, Liz Taylor and Nicki Minaj, are all teeny tiny little righteous pixie women. Also, Prince — yes he is a man, but he is the meaning of short girl vibes, with all of dat glittery stacked-heel boots and first-rate side-eye.

Now, it is well established that being short of stature and being spunky go together like glitter and drag queens. The tall girls may get all the elegant and swan-like grace, but the short ones get all the tits and sa$$ (this is scientific fact don’t @ me). Short girls and tall girls form a delicate ecosystem of friendship: everyone needs a Patsy to their Eddie or a Paris to their Nicole (both Halloween outfits my lanky best friend and I have smashed. Next time: Gandalf and Frodo, probably).

Even Shakespeare understood the power of short girl sass: he wrote the #1 immortal Tudor bitchfight line, from Hermia to Helena in A Midsummer Night’s Dream: ‘How low am I, thou painted maypole? I am not yet so low/ But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes’. Better watch out Helena, you tree-looking skank. As everyone who ever got involved with Napoleon knows, you shouldn’t fuck with the wee ones — we are the irate little Jack Russells of the human world (unrelated: we also look great in battle jodhpurs, à la Napoleon himself). The Moomins’ Little My, who is basically the patron saint of tiny sass-monsters, said it best: ‘Sometimes you have to be angry. Every little creep has the right to be angry.’ So whether you deeply relate whenever you happen to watch Gremlins, or are simply a grown-ass woman who happens to be smaller than the average — make sure you flounce through the world like the life-sized Tinkerbell bitch that you probably are.

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